Watching Twilight

Let me begin by saying this:  My best friend and I have an unholy need to know how the Twilight movies end in an effort to understand what the appeal is.  You’re probably thinking, “what reason could you possibly have for doing this, because really, this is a horrible reason.”  Let’s back up a few years.

We met in 2001.  In college we watched a lot of movies together.  We still watch a lot of movies together.  We like watching movies.  All movies.  All of them.  We are probably part of a small percentage of the population who will watch anything at least once, because we just enjoy watching movies.  The movie could be terrible.  We’ll watch it anyway.  Sometimes, we’ll forget how horrible it was and we’ll watch it again.  And again, we’ll tell ourselves not to re-watch it.  We’ll promptly forget, sometimes even buy the forbidden movie, then punch each other mercilessly every time it gets re-watched.

Back to the present.  Now you can see (kind of) why we would even make the effort to watch these.  Up until last week, we’d both seen the first three movies, out of morbid curiosity, on our own.  Upon getting together later, we’d immediately complain about how horrible they were.  I’d seen the fourth one on my own and, for the same horrible reason we watched the other three, we decided to watch the last movie together.  Something about a promised battle scene where lots of people (people?) die, blood and guts fly everywhere, and Dakota Fanning kicks some serious buttocks. 

My friend hadn’t seen the fourth one yet, so she gave it a go in preparation for the “grand finale”.  Also, she didn’t want to subject me to watching it with her, as that would mean I would have to watch it for a second time.  She texted myself, and another friend, her stream-of-consciousness during the movie.  It was her lifeline to sanity and agreed to let me share it with you.

Don’t watch this movie.  Read this instead:

7:37 PM I’ll let you know how it goes.  
7:37 PM I completely forget where I left off with paleface and mouthbreather… 

8:26 PM Uggggh this is TERRIBLE and I’m only 6 minutes in. 
8:29 PM Dakota fanning better save this movie.
8:34 PM Hahahaha she looks like she’s gonna barf on her way to the alter. 
8:38 PM Oh, it’s the chick from Taken.  
8:40 PM Wow.. just, wow, these toasts are awful. 
8:45 PM God dammit! Breathe through your freakin nose once! JUST ONCE!
8:55 PM Ummm, is she shaving her legs immediately before doing it?  
8:55 PM WHO DOES THAT??  
8:57 PM Wow, this is pg13? 
9:00 PM This dialogue is… awful. 
9:00 PM Kill me right now.  
9:01 PM God dammit, an hour to go. 
9:02 PM THEY’RE PLAYING CHESS ON THEIR HONEYMOON.
9:06 PM Kill me right now. The dialogue is hurting my soul.
9:15 PM I miss True Blood. 
9:22 PM Falling…asleep. 
9:23 PM Sooo … boring. Where’s dakota fanning. 
9:27 PM The wolves are god damn think talking.
9:27 PM …like power rangers. 
9:28 PM THINK TALKING.
9:28 PM I think shirtless just did something important.
9:39 PM Aaaand now this is how I’ll imagine being pregnant. 
9:38 PM The message here seems to be don’t be pregnant or else you’ll die horribly.
9:46 PM What the hell is happening. 
9:50 PM What…  
9:50 PM The…
9:50 PM Fuck kinda reason is that for naming your kid??? 
9:52 PM Holy poop, that birth scene… just wow.  Horrifying.
9:58 PM Is that a cg baby? 
10:03 PM Even as corpse she STILL mouth breathes. 
10:05 PM Oh I see, so vampire blood gives you auto-eye shadow. 
10:06 PM That was a horrible movie. 
10:07 PM I am a stupider person having seen it.