Posts Tagged ‘mouthbreather’

Against our better judgement, my best friend and I watched the last Twilight movie with a friend who’d already seen it.  My husband, who was studying for an exam, came down a few times and promptly left after throwing up in his mouth a little.  The following is what happened.  Parental Note:  it’s full of cursing.

Watching Twilight, Part 2 | doomthings

KEY:
regular text = my best friend
<this kind of text> = the rest of us

Hold onto your butts…
Oh god, I’m re-living the toast seen right now.
Worst theme song EVER.
ARE YOU SERIOUS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
God dammit – this just gets worse and worse.
*chokes on pizza*
She’s mouthbreathing, I know it. Close your goddamn mouth.
SMACK! Oh please god, smack into something.
Seriously. Are you fucking serious right now?
Bitch, crazy! But she’s a very efficient climber.
Fighting a puma?! Holy shit.
SHUT IT.
<wow, I can’t wait to go study. This is awful>
I wish I were going with you.
Is that STILL a CG baby?!?!
Why couldn’t they just find a real baby?!
<that’s stupid> <yeah, it’s really creepy>
OH GOD. THAT IS THE WORST.
She’s awakened, like Alia Atreides.
Aw, that didn’t just happen.
They didn’t just name her something ridiculous and just point it out, did they? Oh god.
Wait. So the baby can make you think things.
God, what an ugly-ass baby
Control moods? That’s like the Jubilee of powers.
Seriously? This is PG 13! Again! This is pretty intense for PG 13.
THAT was an orgasm.
WHAT. Are they seriously discussing how it’s ok to not have control in a movie for teenagers?
Angsty teen on a motorcycle!
Is this really happening? Oh god.
Are you serious?
What?
This. Is. The. Worst.
They forgot to add breathe through your goddamn nose.
*sigh*
I’ve assumed nap position.
Goddamn it! What is wrong with that baby?
What if the baby touches him? SHE WILL AWAKEN HIM.
THIS IS THE WORST.
Oh goddammit
Do they feel the sparkles?
Wait, aren’t they, like, fighting? Hug it out bro!
Why, WHY. WHY would you not explain that?!
WHY is she still CG? WHAT THE FUCK.
It’s like a council of emo people.
THAT’S AWESOME. She just threw a goddamn child into the fire!
Everybody needs a montage! Of creepy children! Touching people’s faces!
She’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen that scene from human centipede. This is worse.
DIVERSITY!
Just go around touching people’s faces and being a lazy talker!
They could have just done this by walking her around people and having her slap people in the face.
But first, I better take acting lessons.
My other secret power is botox injections in my lips!
No one asked you. Literally.
I guess I’ll fight too! I mean, I sat out the last battle on a mountain top, but I guess I’ll fight this time.
Montage!
She poops her pants.
Form of FART CLOUD!
Still an ugly kid.
Where’d she get all the money?
The fire seems unnecessary. THEY DON’T NEED IT.
I don’t think the battle scene is gonna be as awesome as we think it will be.
Red rover, red rover…
What? Fart cloud!
WHAT. THE FUCK. What kind of laugh is THAT.
Hello, sir, I’m a creepy Children of the Corn child. Let me just slap your face with knowledge.
You’re all going to die down here.
THE SCREAM!
This… seems awful…
Wonder twin powers activate! Form of dwarf throwing.
Wouldn’t this be easier if they just used swords?
OH MY FUCKING CHRIST. Worst movie ever. Worst movie ever.
So… They stop aging at the sexiest age.
Everybody’s got their couple, ‘cept for you. Oh! It’s a threesome! Nevermind!
OH MY GOD. It was a fake thing?!? That would happen. THAT’S NOT FUNNY.
Teen pregnancies lead to immortality!
YOU close your mouth! YOU open your goddamn mouth!
AH!! C’MON!!
Did they do this montage so the fans could re-live the entire series?
Kill me. KILL. ME.
I’m left with an unsatisfied lack of murder and death.
Forever?! UGH.
I’m gonna mouthbreathe myself to death right now.
There’s more happening?!?!
Oh thank god.
Erica. I hate you.

For the nerds:  There are multiple movie references in this transcript.  Read up on Watching Twilight and you’ll understand why.  What are they and what movies are they from?

Let me begin by saying this:  My best friend and I have an unholy need to know how the Twilight movies end in an effort to understand what the appeal is.  You’re probably thinking, “what reason could you possibly have for doing this, because really, this is a horrible reason.”  Let’s back up a few years.

We met in 2001.  In college we watched a lot of movies together.  We still watch a lot of movies together.  We like watching movies.  All movies.  All of them.  We are probably part of a small percentage of the population who will watch anything at least once, because we just enjoy watching movies.  The movie could be terrible.  We’ll watch it anyway.  Sometimes, we’ll forget how horrible it was and we’ll watch it again.  And again, we’ll tell ourselves not to re-watch it.  We’ll promptly forget, sometimes even buy the forbidden movie, then punch each other mercilessly every time it gets re-watched.

Back to the present.  Now you can see (kind of) why we would even make the effort to watch these.  Up until last week, we’d both seen the first three movies, out of morbid curiosity, on our own.  Upon getting together later, we’d immediately complain about how horrible they were.  I’d seen the fourth one on my own and, for the same horrible reason we watched the other three, we decided to watch the last movie together.  Something about a promised battle scene where lots of people (people?) die, blood and guts fly everywhere, and Dakota Fanning kicks some serious buttocks. 

My friend hadn’t seen the fourth one yet, so she gave it a go in preparation for the “grand finale”.  Also, she didn’t want to subject me to watching it with her, as that would mean I would have to watch it for a second time.  She texted myself, and another friend, her stream-of-consciousness during the movie.  It was her lifeline to sanity and agreed to let me share it with you.

Don’t watch this movie.  Read this instead:

Watching Twilight | doomthings

7:37 PM I’ll let you know how it goes.  
7:37 PM I completely forget where I left off with paleface and mouthbreather… 

8:26 PM Uggggh this is TERRIBLE and I’m only 6 minutes in. 
8:29 PM Dakota fanning better save this movie.
8:34 PM Hahahaha she looks like she’s gonna barf on her way to the alter. 
8:38 PM Oh, it’s the chick from Taken.  
8:40 PM Wow.. just, wow, these toasts are awful. 
8:45 PM God dammit! Breathe through your freakin nose once! JUST ONCE!
8:55 PM Ummm, is she shaving her legs immediately before doing it?  
8:55 PM WHO DOES THAT??  
8:57 PM Wow, this is pg13? 
9:00 PM This dialogue is… awful. 
9:00 PM Kill me right now.  
9:01 PM God dammit, an hour to go. 
9:02 PM THEY’RE PLAYING CHESS ON THEIR HONEYMOON.
9:06 PM Kill me right now. The dialogue is hurting my soul.
9:15 PM I miss True Blood. 
9:22 PM Falling…asleep. 
9:23 PM Sooo … boring. Where’s dakota fanning. 
9:27 PM The wolves are god damn think talking.
9:27 PM …like power rangers. 
9:28 PM THINK TALKING.
9:28 PM I think shirtless just did something important.
9:39 PM Aaaand now this is how I’ll imagine being pregnant. 
9:38 PM The message here seems to be don’t be pregnant or else you’ll die horribly.
9:46 PM What the hell is happening. 
9:50 PM What…  
9:50 PM The…
9:50 PM Fuck kinda reason is that for naming your kid??? 
9:52 PM Holy poop, that birth scene… just wow.  Horrifying.
9:58 PM Is that a cg baby? 
10:03 PM Even as corpse she STILL mouth breathes. 
10:05 PM Oh I see, so vampire blood gives you auto-eye shadow. 
10:06 PM That was a horrible movie. 
10:07 PM I am a stupider person having seen it.