Against our better judgement, my best friend and I watched the last Twilight movie with a friend who’d already seen it. My husband, who was studying for an exam, came down a few times and promptly left after throwing up in his mouth a little. The following is what happened. Parental Note: it’s full of cursing.
KEY:
regular text = my best friend
<this kind of text> = the rest of us
Hold onto your butts…
Oh god, I’m re-living the toast seen right now.
Worst theme song EVER.
ARE YOU SERIOUS. ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
God dammit – this just gets worse and worse.
*chokes on pizza*
She’s mouthbreathing, I know it. Close your goddamn mouth.
SMACK! Oh please god, smack into something.
Seriously. Are you fucking serious right now?
Bitch, crazy! But she’s a very efficient climber.
Fighting a puma?! Holy shit.
SHUT IT.
<wow, I can’t wait to go study. This is awful>
I wish I were going with you.
Is that STILL a CG baby?!?!
Why couldn’t they just find a real baby?!
<that’s stupid> <yeah, it’s really creepy>
OH GOD. THAT IS THE WORST.
She’s awakened, like Alia Atreides.
Aw, that didn’t just happen.
They didn’t just name her something ridiculous and just point it out, did they? Oh god.
Wait. So the baby can make you think things.
God, what an ugly-ass baby
Control moods? That’s like the Jubilee of powers.
Seriously? This is PG 13! Again! This is pretty intense for PG 13.
THAT was an orgasm.
WHAT. Are they seriously discussing how it’s ok to not have control in a movie for teenagers?
Angsty teen on a motorcycle!
Is this really happening? Oh god.
Are you serious?
What?
This. Is. The. Worst.
They forgot to add breathe through your goddamn nose.
*sigh*
I’ve assumed nap position.
Goddamn it! What is wrong with that baby?
What if the baby touches him? SHE WILL AWAKEN HIM.
THIS IS THE WORST.
Oh goddammit
Do they feel the sparkles?
Wait, aren’t they, like, fighting? Hug it out bro!
Why, WHY. WHY would you not explain that?!
WHY is she still CG? WHAT THE FUCK.
It’s like a council of emo people.
THAT’S AWESOME. She just threw a goddamn child into the fire!
Everybody needs a montage! Of creepy children! Touching people’s faces!
She’s the creepiest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve seen that scene from human centipede. This is worse.
DIVERSITY!
Just go around touching people’s faces and being a lazy talker!
They could have just done this by walking her around people and having her slap people in the face.
But first, I better take acting lessons.
My other secret power is botox injections in my lips!
No one asked you. Literally.
I guess I’ll fight too! I mean, I sat out the last battle on a mountain top, but I guess I’ll fight this time.
Montage!
She poops her pants.
Form of FART CLOUD!
Still an ugly kid.
Where’d she get all the money?
The fire seems unnecessary. THEY DON’T NEED IT.
I don’t think the battle scene is gonna be as awesome as we think it will be.
Red rover, red rover…
What? Fart cloud!
WHAT. THE FUCK. What kind of laugh is THAT.
Hello, sir, I’m a creepy Children of the Corn child. Let me just slap your face with knowledge.
You’re all going to die down here.
THE SCREAM!
This… seems awful…
Wonder twin powers activate! Form of dwarf throwing.
Wouldn’t this be easier if they just used swords?
OH MY FUCKING CHRIST. Worst movie ever. Worst movie ever.
So… They stop aging at the sexiest age.
Everybody’s got their couple, ‘cept for you. Oh! It’s a threesome! Nevermind!
OH MY GOD. It was a fake thing?!? That would happen. THAT’S NOT FUNNY.
Teen pregnancies lead to immortality!
YOU close your mouth! YOU open your goddamn mouth!
AH!! C’MON!!
Did they do this montage so the fans could re-live the entire series?
Kill me. KILL. ME.
I’m left with an unsatisfied lack of murder and death.
Forever?! UGH.
I’m gonna mouthbreathe myself to death right now.
There’s more happening?!?!
Oh thank god.
Erica. I hate you.
For the nerds: There are multiple movie references in this transcript. Read up on Watching Twilight and you’ll understand why. What are they and what movies are they from?
Give doomthings your brain-words!